Psycho Identity: Backfired.

Yeah.... there we go. Yesterday's encounter was different.. Apparently in his own words - he's not trying to fuck around. He wants something "serious." We had this conversation that really drew me to him.

Note: These conversations have so much meaning to me, that's why I write about them.

"So why did you and BA break up?"

I rolled my eyes. I refused to answer, because I was too busy feeling my feelings of shame and guilt for messing with this cop's mind.

"A girl like you needs a real man. But are you real?" 

He caught me off guard. But in a way that captured my attention.

"You meet all these men who want a commitment, and most girls would kill to have that. I know my sister would. But all these guys seem to be huge assholes. Especially BA."

"What other guys? And Ba? How?"

"He compromised his happiness. He let you see other guys as long he could keep you. If that were me, I wouldn't allow that. I didn't mean assholes. I meant weaklings. Assholes and cowards... they're one in the same. I know what I want, and I would never allow that shit."

Fast forward ----

"A lot of guys think I'm unstable." 

"You? As fucked up as this might sound - you're one of the most stable people I know. You know yourself, your truth and you're grounded in the most fucked up situations. You have so much self restraint. It's crazy. You know what you want etc etc. Guys only tell you that because you're not a stay at home innocent - manageable girl. Ba is financially stable. But that's it. For fuck's sake, you managed his money. He threw his fucking wine at you. What right does he have to call you unstable? Guys that are obsessed with you, call you unstable but they come back. They all do. Does that make them stable? Your lifestyle is unstable, it's unpredictable. It scares guys, including me. But just because your lifestyle is unstable doesn't mean your mind is unstable."

Honestly, at that point if love was real - I think I felt it at that moment. Holy shit. He's right. I felt like I had reached nirvana. This man had been some kind of God send, in the form of muscle and a police uniform.

"But you said I was unstable in that text."

"I was pissed off - angry. I was overcompensating. I was trying to make you feel bad."

When he said those words, I felt so much more respect for him. He was brutally honest, and I loved that. "But when you stood your ground and told me off, that just confirmed you were the kind of girl I wanted to be with. You're right - no one needs to stabilize you. That was me trying to put you down. It was kinda hot how you told me off and showed me how independent you are."

The sun shining behind him made him look like a God.

"But what about the whole "you need to change" etc?"

"You're good and bad. The contrasts are attractive. Terrifying but magnetic."

"Why me though? I'm so confused. I'm not girlfriend material?"

He smirked at me. "Then why do you keep getting these guys who want a serious thing with you?Stop being so modest. In your head you're agreeing with me."

I roll my eyes. He replies "Look at my sister and her friend. They're the good girl types. No one wants them. No one really respects them. Most men get bored, or walk all over them."

I had nothing to say to him. I zoned out. He was talking, and I could not hear anything.

"I accept you for who you are." That statement made me zone back in. For a second, I wondered if I was experiencing a glitch in the matrix. "I see more than the girl who steals her boyfriend's fast car, the ceo's former fiance (trust me - a lot of people look at me like that), and this (insert other cliche). "

My heart was racing faster. No one had ever told me they accepted for me who I am, unconditionally. Unless you count my therapist, close friends, and myself.

"I'm no BA. Can't pay your bills, school stuff, give you money to spend, talk about the stock market or drive you around in my fast car. But would you want to go on a date and see if we can take things further?"

I frowned at him. Now I truly thought I was experiencing a glitch in the matrix. "If I cared so much about that stuff, I'd still be with him. So don't put me in that box."  He asked me to think about going on just one date. I'm not sure, I;ll think about it. I told BA we weren't getting back together, and that was final. That and to keep my shit there. I could care less about it. He said he'd hire someone to move my stuff back since "I hated him". LOL. okay ba.

As you can see from the pics, Logan is paranoid as hell. He claims he wants a relationship with me. But I worry that all my unlawful.. yet fun activities would get in the way of something real. It could cause lots of conflict. But we'll see. I'm still contemplating "that date.." But now he's got me paranoid?? LOL. Shit, I think I'm terrified of myself right now.

However, this entire psycho identity has backfired on me, and I've played the wrong role with the wrong person. I'll choose my roles better next time.