Identity Deaths and Changes

Hey everyone,

I've been going through a transition, discovering who I am, and what is no longer serving me. This means friendships have been terminated, inner truths have been revealed, behavioural patterns are dying, and now I'm going through this period where I have no idea who I am. Therapy will do this to you, but that's a good thing.

Things are fantastic but a bit rough. There's a lot of confusion on my end. I'm not reacting or responding to things the way I used to. In fact, I'm not reacting at all. It feels like all of the life has been sucked out of me, and I know I'm going into an isolation. I wonder if I should change my number, change all the locks to my floor and live life away from any human contact. From what I gather, I'm going through a depression which feels unbearable.

Let's talk about Scarlett Kennedy. The Scarlett Kennedy persona is dying, and burnt out. She's done with men completely, wants nothing to do with anyone and doesn't care anymore. The irony of that is the blog is becoming much more popular and there is so much demand for Scarlett Kennedy. She is a part of me, and I am exhausted. Writing a book, knowing people keep asking me about it, and are WAITING for it SCARES ME. 

The desire to seduce, flirt and manipulate has no effect on me. Even the desire for attention does nothing for me. In fact, I'd rather you look away. Remember the posts about me seducing my neighbours from a distance? Well that does nothing for me either. It was like Scarlett packed all her bags and left. She was tired of living in my body, mind and soul and wanted a new one. What happens when an identity wants to leave, is a part of your mind decides it can't handle the change - because it knows nothing better.

Even the need for danger/adventure - I could care less about. I just got back from a road trip which would've been fun if I wasn't so burnt out. It's great to have explored different parts of my personalities/personas. But now I know what works/doesn't. She won't be around for long. Danger (usually in the form of speeding, spontaneous late nights skinny dipping in my ex's pool etc etc) isn't dangerous anymore. The danger has lost any all passion it once gave me. Why am I so obsessed with cars you ask? Well because I grew up around cars. Fast ones. Growing up, while all the girls played with Barbies - I played with Hot Wheels. Don't get me wrong, I loved Barbies. But I needed both.

It's mainly the identities that are not useful are dying. The part of me that is paranoid, hard on myself etc are slowly fading....

Speaking of Ex's - the engagement ring. Ah, my good old engagement ring. Fortunately, or unfortunately - Logan has decided to "expose" me. So let's go there. Yes, I was and am currently typing this with my engagement ring on. No, there is no engagement or wedding. So why am still wearing it? When my friend Harley decided to propose to his then girlfriend, now fiancee - BA was there. That night we had a brutally honest conversation about how awkward things were and how hurt/strange it is that we're not in each other's lives like we once were. He asked if my things were to ever leave his home, and I promptly said "probably not". His reply was "Will you do me a favour and take this [your engagement ring] if you'll take nothing else with you?" His reasons are private and personal - although I think all of you can understand why he'd want that thing out of sight. I wore it again because... well 1) it's a beautiful ring 2) it actually helps fend off men. Again, I do not want to date or any of that stuff. Unless I meet someone who absolutely steals my heart, of course I would date them.

Since I'm being incredibly honest about identities/who I am and all that - I did date again. For two weeks around exam time. All (I kid you not) the men I met wanted marriage and/or kids. I keep hearing about marriage, enough that I've indulged in fantasies of me in a wedding gown and taking someone's surname as my own. Scarlett Daly. Scarlett Synder.  O'connor, Cirilio. What were the others? Anyways, I fantasized about which one sounded the prettiest on me. I asked my mother and she looked at me wide eyed. Confused she asked "Thought you didn't want marriage". OMG - I'VE BEEN BRAINWASHED LOL. (This is what isolation is for - to deprogram)!!!!!!

I'm not seeing any of them anymore, but even after the fact it has stuck with me. I guess a part of me agreed to marrying BA because I felt the need to compromise. A big part of me feels like no guy will truly accept me for who I am (despite all the marriage talk), and I just thought: screw it. If I get married to this man - I won't have to worry about that. Sad isn't it? On the bright side, I'm glad I got to see/test how genuine I truly was/am/can be when he asked if I'd cheated on him and proudly said no and meant it.

I'm glad some identities are dying/fading. Because now I can explore different ones that would not make me feel guilty. Rather, I'd enjoy being/becoming. :)