When it's time to let go.
On Saturday night at around 3 a.m I received a phone call from an unknown number. This person told me Logan was in a fight that landed him in the hospital and he was hurt pretty bad. At first I didn't believe it, so I asked him if he was okay, and eventually the guy was sick and tired of me questioning him, so he hands the phone to Logan. I heard him say in an incredibly weak tone to "please come here."
I get up, and googled the address of the hospital. I knew where it was, it was close to this lake I frequent at. Mind you, I wasn't at home - I stayed over at my friend's place. It was much further than it would've been if I stayed at my house. The buses weren't working, so I called a cab company. $100. Screw it - I thought. Google maps told me it would take me 3 hours to walk there. It probably would've taken 3.5 hours to get there, because I would've taken breaks. Again, I thought: screw it. Got out of bed, put my regular clothes on was on my way. It was windy and occasionally rained, but I survived. As I'm walking, I am growing more exhausted and angry but knowing he needed me there was what was driving me to continue.
Two hours later, his friend calls and asks where I am, if I'd gotten lost. I reply "no, I'm on my way. I'm about an hour away. I'm just walking."
"Why don't you just take an uber here?" I wanted to bang my head against a wall, because I'd completely forgotten - I had laser focus on how I was going to get there. I stopped, installed the app and was there in ten minutes. I felt pretty stupid, but was glad to be there.
The nurses told me it was after visiting hours, and I couldn't be there. I begged to stay. Visiting hours never crossed my mind. She eventually said, I needed to enter through the emergency exit and be extremely quiet. As I entered the room, his face was filled with blood, bruises and cuts. He wasn't awake but I stayed there, watching him sleep and learning from the friend about what happened. As I watched him sleep I realized how frustrated I was because I really do care about this man.
When Logan did wake up he told me about everything that lead up to the event. The doctor told us everything would be okay, and he'll be out of the hospital in a few days. The conversation that propelled me to write this post was him telling me that looking back on his life, he wasn't that great a man, and how much he wants to be a better person etc.
This hit me so hard. After he fell back asleep, I re-evaluated my life and realized I was not that great of a person either. I needed to be a better woman, and in a year or two, I wouldn't be proud of this blog. I realized that there were some thought patterns, behaviours, and people I needed to let go of. Not that I didn't know this before, but the circumstances really rubbed it in my face.
The following morning, I left feeling like a new person. Everything was much more alive, and amazing. Logan will be okay, but I did go back and stay in the hospital - even brought my books and laptop.
The things I need to let go of? This blog, the person you people continue to mention in the comments section. I really do care about him, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't let it go. I think he's amazing, sexy, special and unique. But I would rather not hear about him right now or at all. I've made up my mind, and my decision is final. There's nothing wrong with missing him, but it is time to let go, I'm not interested in wasting my time. So why are you wasting yours?
I'm transitioning into another phase of my life that I don't care to share with any of you obsessive readers. I love you all but I can't stay. I hope some of you can understand, but I doubt you wouldn't - in that case I hope you go buy yourself a six pack beer, a big pizza and your favorite tv show. I'm done with all of you.
Whoever you are reading this , and if I know you (I've had a few of you tell me you read this blog all day) - please know I do love you, and I would walk 2, 3, even 4 hours just to make sure you're alright. Hell, I'd hop on a plane for ya!! (well only if I know you). But you should probably stop reading this blog excessively. Go outside, get some fresh air. Go tell this girl you like or love her. Eat ice cream. Masturbate! Drink a coffee, I don't know, I don't care. Please don't expect me to come back, I don't want to. But I won't forget all the crazy virtual memories we've had.
There's a place and time to let go of some things and people - this is it.